“If someone asked me to pick out my own vagina’s mug shot out of a lineup of vaginas, I’d be helpless. And probably concerned about what exactly my vagina had been doing that constituted a need for its own mug shot.”
― Jenny Lawson, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir
A couple of days ago I was crossing some tasks off of my seemingly endless to do list and I decided it was high time I finally got around to taking care of something that had been on my mind for weeks. Suspecting that my intended undertaking would be difficult to maneuver alone I summoned my husband to aid in my venture:
Me: “Honey, I need you to take a picture of my vagina.”
Silence.
Me: “It’s for a website.”
More silence.
Me: “It’s not a porn website or anything. It’s a feminist website. A feminist celebrate your vagina website.
Husband has now disappeared from the room.
Me (chasing after him): “Okay, I won’t put my picture on the website! But I still need one for comparison purposes! I need to know how my vagina measures up!!”
Husband has left the apartment.
One would think that such a proposition would garner excitement from one’s significant other, however I can see now where I went wrong. It was not the assignment itself that gave my husband pause, but the delivery of my demand. Nothing renders a man impotent faster than using the proper name for a woman’s genitalia. Using the “V” word let him know there would be nothing kinky involved in obliging my request. Had I thought ahead, I would have used one of the preferred monikers, one guaranteed to arouse the delicate male libido. Perhaps a term that would evoke an image of a small mewing house pet or an aquatic rodent building a dam. Something cute and nonthreatening that never fails to elicit male lust.
Yes, with a little forethought I doubtless would have had some assistance acquiring the money shot I so desired. However, as it was I had to stage my own one-man photo shoot, acting as both model and photographer, an uncomfortable situation as anyone who has tried to angle a camera between their legs could tell you. It is nearly impossible to achieve ideal focus, lighting and composition simultaneously while holding just the right pose.
I’m sure by this point, if it has even taken this long, you are questioning why I would even desire such a portrait. I would have thought it ludicrous a few weeks ago as well. Then, one day I was perusing Jezebel, an online news source/blog for women, and came across an article (http://jezebel.com/5985002/this-aint-no-porn-star-vagina-large-labias-need-love-too) about the Large Labia Project (http://largelabiaproject.org). This is a blog run by a 24 year-old woman intended to help women overcome insecurities regarding their vaginas by showing them that not all vaginas look like those in Playboy and pornography. It accomplishes this by acting as a safe forum for women to share photos of their own genitals with other women in an effort to demonstrate what real vaginas look like, imperfections and all.
A quote from the site:
“…by adding your labia to the growing body of submitted photos on this site, you’ll be able to join with me and the other contributors and let everyone else out there with fears, insecurities and even hatred towards their labia, know that they are not alone, that they are normal, that they are beautiful, and that they have nothing to be worried about.”
The discovery of this website coincided with a conversation I had with a friend of mine who had just had a baby. She was distressed about the state of her own “franken-vagina” (her term, not mine) after giving birth, and concerned it would never return to its former glory. As she refused to send me a picture of said vagina (after perusing the labia website for several hours I felt I was now an expert and could give a general rating) I sent her the link for her own guidance. Yet after this conversation I felt a general feeling of uneasiness that I couldn’t shake. Maybe there was something to all of this fuss about the female anatomy.
I have always been conscientious about my appearance, but I must admit my vanity has never extended to areas hidden by my lingerie. I have enough crippling insecurities without having to worry about how my most private parts stack up. Are my thighs too big? Are my breasts too small? Is my stomach flat enough? I don’t have time to worry if my labia are too large on top of it all. I used to think procedures performed on female genitalia were limited to third world countries, however female genital mutilation is on the rise in Canada and the United States under the guise of cosmetic surgeries like ‘vaginal rejuvenation’ or ‘labiaplasty’. So now women are supposed to plump up one set of lips with fillers and reduce another set? It’s so hard to keep it straight. I knew that some women felt embarrassment or guilt surrounding their sexuality for cultural or religious reasons, but is there a mass of women shying away from sex solely because of vaginal shame as well? And furthermore, how would you even confirm your suspicions of a hideous vagina? Women are at a disadvantage in that the birds-eye view we are saddled with prevents us from getting a really good look at the thing. I for one have never gotten any complaints. Maybe I’ve just lucked out and none of my lovers have seen a really breathtaking vagina before. I have just always assumed that any vagina is a good vagina, but I could be wrong in that assumption. Men are definitely very particular when it comes to the female reproductive organs. In bedrooms all over the world at this very moment there could be men backing away from hideous vaginas saying “Ooh, yeah, I’m sorry, but on second thought I’m just not going to be able to follow through with that.”
So you see, once it was brought to my attention that vaginal allure and aesthetic are of utmost importance I needed to know how well my assets compared to those of the masses. We live in a dog-eat-dog culture after all and I can’t afford to be oblivious to the preoccupations of mainstream society today. I am happy to report that I could breathe a sigh of relief when I took a look at my picture and saw that I had nothing to worry about. Maybe I would even put the picture up on that website after all:
sunshinefromshadowsdotcom 